I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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