I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize
