Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
