i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
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