I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Randomize
