Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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