I feel great
I just peed on a car
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
