Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize