dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Randomize
