To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Randomize