Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
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