Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Randomize
