I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Randomize
