I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
This baby is an asshole
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
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