Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
