Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize