Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
