I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
