I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Randomize
