nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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