I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
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