I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
