How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
