Where did you get a picture of my penis
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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