I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
My life is pants optional.
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