I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
