I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
how does that bad decision feel?
Randomize
