there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
