At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize