Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
bring money and cleavage
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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