Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
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