i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
