you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
