Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
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