last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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