I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize