Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
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