I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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