So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
