Screwed.edu
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
You dont lie about slip and slides
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize