She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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