Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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