My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize