I wish I could teleport
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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