i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Randomize
