Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
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