bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
