just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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