she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
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