So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize