At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
