Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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