Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
He felt like a one man threesome
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Randomize
