i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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