you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
