I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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