he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Randomize
