we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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