i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
