There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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