Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
