I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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