Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Randomize
