I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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