the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
